cancer scare, you are really not needed right now.

crossing my fingers and toes and eyes that in a few days to a week all that will be wrong with me will be a mistakenly removed lymph node

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER

I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER

when it's not your problem, it sure is easy to forget, isn't it

today marks six days since i had to:

• get a call after 1st period telling me that the father i've been trying to contact for a month has been in the hospital for a month and the reason that i haven't been able to reach him is because his wife has been actively screening his calls and deleting my emails to him
• not get told what's actually wrong with him
• wonder what the hell is wrong with his wife
• wonder how people can be so cruel
• cry by myself fuck

and five days since i had to:

• get another call after 4th period (the world wants mr. brown to see me cry lulzth) telling me that he's not going to make it
• get told that he was probably going to pass away around 5pm
• get told that there was no possible way to say goodbye because he was too far gone (i'm hoping at least this is true)
• know and accept that a flight to oregon wouldn't land in time
• know and accept that even if it did, my mom would never let me
• know and accept that even if it did and my mom let me, their family would just tell me to go away because i "don't belong in this family and never have" (sigh)
• know and accept that even if those situations were ideal i would never be able to afford it
• deal with my best friend getting mad at me for not just booking a flight to oregon (because i totally did that to spite my dad, right... because it wasn't hard enough making that decision by myself, right)
• deal with my best friend telling me she would've done anything to say goodbye to her father (because i totally want to hear about how hard your situation is, right... fuck i'm selfish but just let me be, just for a little while)
• deal with the guilt
• deal with everything myself because fuck no one cares except my fucking ap lit teacher

I had to count down the hours until he died, knowing that I would never be able to say goodbye.

How am I supposed to deal with that?

it's funny how quickly things can slip out of control

how you can wake up in the morning thinking it'll just be a normal day

and by midday be

...i don't even know

i'm not broken

i'm not.

I hate that this UCLA thing is making me feel so down. I mean, hey, I have almost guaranteed admission when I reapply in two years, right? And it's enough knowing that I AM good enough, right?

Then why am I still so upset? Why do I still lock myself in my room and cry and scream at the people who try to ask what's wrong? Why do I have to let it affect my daily life and my outlook on life and my overall happiness? Why am I letting the fact that I have the chance to go to my first choice school and can't take it MAKE ME MISERABLE?
Oh, yeah, because I WAS GOOD ENOUGH and I WORKED HARD ENOUGH and I WROTE WELL ENOUGH to attain my goals (which everyone says are THE ONLY THINGS YOU NEED) but still got my choice in schools snatched from my fingers because of something I can't control.
Because I can't tell my mom and have to deal with her disappointment in me and have to just let my resentment and hurt and frustration grow and grow and grow into something ugly and hateful and NOT ME.
Because I feel so ashamed to have to tell people that I'm going to DeAnza instead.
Because I'm frustrated and unwilling to let my hard work go to waste and to have people look down on me after all I did.
...because I'm just SAD.